Pray for the Wrong Things

It's been about a year since I posted this blog post about broken relationships, at the end of which I implored myself and others to heal.

In taking my own advice, I prayed and begged and chanted and asked, "Lord, please heal me". Anytime I hurt, it was my mantra: "Heal my heart, Jesus".

Regardless of your point of view on a Higher Power, gifts of the supernatural, or medical advances, we can probably agree that where healing is concerned, it is the responsibility of the sick person to try to get well, physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

Heal (verb) - to cause to become sound or healthy again, to alleviate distress, to correct or put right an undesirable situation. 

Over the next 9 months, time faded some scars. The moments I dwelled on the pain became fewer, turning days to weeks. But still, it festered. Then, I started to see the same emotional hurt cropping up in other places, with other people. My heart was most definitely not healed.

One night, talking to myself in the shower (as many are in the habit of doing) I realized that in all my time praying for my own healing, I had never once prayed to forgive the ones who hurt me. To forgive them meant to let go of any part of me that felt justified for my hurt. To pardon. It meant to take the focus off me.

I had been praying for the wrong thing all along. 

I didn't just need to heal. I needed to forgive.

Jon Acuff

If "to heal" means to put something back to the way it was, I didn't want that. After all, what was the state of my heart before the alleged hurt? I did't want to go back there. I wanted to move forward.

Even tonight, months after this shower-revelation, my husband I reflected on how transformational forgiveness is. It's what sets apart salvation in Jesus Christ from any other religion. It is not just about being good, or even just about love, it is about the ugliness of sin covered, then removed by one Act of Forgiveness. "It is finished".

Furthermore, it is the very pattern of scripture. First forgiveness, then healing. When Jesus healed the paralyzed man, He first forgave his sins, then gave him the ability to walk.

Forgiveness changes you.

Clearly, this was a thing 2000 years ago and here I am thinking I invented it in 2015. In my shower.

I'll probably keep learning and relearning this lesson but I know that for now, it came at just the right time, for my past and my present.

Healing may return to the former, but Forgiveness transforms from the inside out. I don't just want healing, because I don't want to return to any state I once was. I want to be stronger and gentler and kinder and wiser. If that's the case, I need forgiveness and I need to forgive.

...Be a Cynic

It is easy this time of year to be caught up in busyness and excess. We live in the center of the first world. Even if we try not to give into materialism during the holidays, it’s difficult to avoid the bourgeois feeling of spending and consuming.

In a season otherwise marked by joy and hope, I’ll openly confess my inclination towards cynicism. Sometimes I question others’ motives, scoff at positivity, and give into hopelessness.

Therefore, as I ready myself for Christmas, stress seems more prominent than anything else. Adam asked a client yesterday if she was "ready for Christmas". My response would have looked like this: "I still have 4 presents to wrap, 3 things to make, 2 parties to go to, and a partridge in a pear tree". Her response was "I'm always ready for Him."

My skepticism showed. Her light showed.

So as I waited in line for my cup of holiday cheer from Starbucks, I wondered if I am light at all? Is there anything about me that shines before others? In the current condition of my heart, I’ll hazard a guess at “No”.

We are in a season of light. Not only the lights the led the Magi or appeared to the Shepherds, but lights that deck our halls and homes and towns. Like kids, Adam and I sat looking at our decorated living room where twinkling string lights made our home feel magical. They warmed our faces with a golden glow.

However, the merriment of the holidays doesn't take away the list of needs or hurts in our own lives or the lives of others. Given this revelation after a Christmas party last night, Adam and I started asking cynical questions. Can “bad” and “good” coexist? Is it God that allows it? If there is bad stuff, are we faking it in the good stuff?  We live in such a broken world – what the heck is the point, outside of Sunday school answers?

Any good story-line has a hero and villain. In Peter and the Secret of Rundoon (a lovely prequel to J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan) Leonard Aster says to the evil Lord Ombra:

"Light overcomes darkness. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe you can be defeated.”

My response to Adam in the midst of our cynicism was very similar to Leonard’s:  light wins. If darkness is the absence of light, then they must coexist. Darkness is literally defined by light.

The best stories have a good vs. evil scenario because all good stories mirror the Gospel (which literally means "good news"). If good overcomes evil and light wins over darkness, that means we have hope that anchors the soul. It is within my power to choose the see the world as a beautiful place to be.
 
So what is the cure for cynicism? Light.

Choose Light with me.

 "But if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin."
[1 John 1:7]

...Have Broken Relationships

Your heart was not created to endure love that starts and then ends. We were not created for broken relationships. And yet, here we are. Ever since the Garden when the first relationship was severed: the Creator and the created.

We’ve likely all been subject to relationships that end. I don’t just mean relationships that have been broken from divorce or death. Friendships end too, whether dissipated or deliberate.

As I write this, I will openly admit that my heart is broken. Not from a breakup. But because I am in a season of life where things are changing. Rapidly. My life looks new every day and with that comes a change in the cast of characters involved.

Some people have slowly become shadows along with the memories of them.  I understand that often things fade out to make room for new growth but I have to say, growing pains hurt.

After evaluating some changes in friendships, I sat wondering why it even mattered to me. There are many people who love me, call me, snapchat me, hang out with me. Yet, my heart focuses on those that no longer do. I felt like an idiot even wasting my time thinking about it. Why?

There are two things you must know about me that may shed some light:

1) I am a good friend.

Partially because I am intentional and caring but mostly because I wedge myself into people’s lives. It is not in my nature to take “no” for an answer. Therefore, if I think you’re worthwhile, I will pursue you as a friend, in the least stalkerish way possible.

2) I am a zealot. 

Whether in love or in hate, I do all things with zeal. I don’t ever do things in the middle. If I love you, I freaking love you. If I see something wrong, I will be the person to write a strongly worded letter or disavow a brand name.  

Basically, I’m a Hufflepuff: loyal and just.

As fierce as I pretend to be, I am fragile.

I don’t want loss to jade me; to make me lose my zeal or tenderness.

I have a wonderful husband. Almost every night before bed he whispers “Your God and your husband will never leave you.” I don’t say this to make you throw up from romantic gush but to ask, why is that even significant? It’s significant because we live in a world where people leave. Not out of spite or cruelty, but out of the nature of our brokenness. This is why the Gospel story is so impactful. It tells of a Love that Pursues and then a Love that Stays. Jesus Christ drew near and then endured. It’s something I highlight when telling people about Jesus because it’s countercultural.

So in the midst of our hurting one another, we are made holy. “…All the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.” Colossians 1:20 (MSG)

As I stated to a dear friend on a long drive yesterday, there’s no unmessy way for relationships to end. In short, because it’s not how we were designed. 

If you relate, I pray that you seek healing. Whether it be from a person you’ve lost a relationship with or just with the Lord – heal. Cease striving. Move on. But, by all means, allow yourself to hurt and feel and know that you are not silly or dumb or childish for feeling like you’re holding onto people that aren’t holding onto you.

The Founder of the Feast

Reflection during the Christmas season is inevitable, however cliché. And as I sat pondering about the events of the past year, I saw a mix of salty and sweet.

Since Christmas 2012 our family grew by not one, but two (Landon and Adam) and that is mighty sweet. But also since Christmas 2012, through a series of unfortunate events, I lost my job of three years.

Yes, the Lord has faithfully provided new opportunities, but it’s still often my inclination to say “SCREW CORPORATE AMERICA!” (Obviously, oozing the joy of Christmas spirit…)

But then this morning, as I got into my warm car to leave for work at my new job, I let out a sigh and said “To Dentsply – the founder of the feast.”

In case you don’t know this cultural (and seasonally appropriate) reference, allow me to explain. In Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, Mr. Scrooge’s clerk, Bob Cratchit (most popularly portrayed by the talented, Kermit the frog) sits down to Christmas dinner in his small home. To the shock of his family, he famously raises his glass and toasts “I’ll give you Mr. Scrooge, the founder of the feast!” Despite Mr. Scrooge’s scrooginess, Bob Cratchit’s thankfulness overflows for the provision of his employer.

So this is my renewed perspective for the path my life has taken in the past three months. Dentsply afforded me many opportunities, including references that helped secure mycurrent job and a salary ample enough to help me pay off acar. More than that, my three years at my first job out of college gave me some life insight.

Here are some things that my first job taught me:

To love everyone.

On a daily basis at Dentsply I interacted with everyone from a single-mom-production-worker, making minimum wage, to a high-back-chair-executive-with-two-PHDs, making more money than 99% of the world. This interaction taught me to love them and everyone in between for exactly where they are.

It taught me that character is not commensurate witheducation. And kindness certainly does not come with pay.

People are good.

This is something I knew, lost, and then was refreshed at the end of my tenure. You could throw lots of scripture at me to prove that we are all rotten from the start and there is nothing good that lives in any of us because of our sinful nature; man is fallen; the world is broken without being reconciled to Christ. Yes, I get it. But I believe people are good. And for that, my naivety has caused me suffering when people don’t always do the right thing. Nonetheless, I saw people—Christian or not—taking care of each other, vouching for each other, and loving each other unprecedentedly.

A glimpse of what it means to “Be all things to all people”.

When grabbing my coffee in the cafeteria, I could joke and show off my natural sass. But in the board room, I could be reserved, only speaking when spoken to. There’s a time and place for every part of who I am and that’s okay.

You can get through even the roughest days with enough black coffee, Avett Brothers albums, and people who know you need some love.

2013 brought many new things, some good and some not-so-good and quite honestly, I am ready for it to be over. My sincerest hope for 2014 is that I carry these things with me: into shifting jobs, shifting relationships, and shifting faith.

...Be Modest but Not a Prude

The internet can’t seem to stop talking about Miley Cyrus’ racy performance at the VMAs on Sunday. Before you scroll to the next thing on your timeline, I will not be offering my own opinion on her “cry for help” or the “blurred lines” of male/female standards. Honestly, I don’t care at all. Sure, I love me some Hannah Montana (true story) and long for the days when the most controversial thing Miley did was kiss her Zombie High co-star.

The issue I see goes way beyond whose performance was better at the VMAs or which teenage pop star turned crazier. For some reason, the thing that struck me the most out of all of this hub-bub is the same thing that has bothered me since quite a young age: modesty.

Mean Girls is daily quoted in my life. In the wise words of Ms. Norbury, “you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores”. I also don’t want this to turn into a bashing session of my female comrades. We ladies need to stick together.

I have been removed from the dating world for quite some time and so the past few months have been a learning process for me, trudging through life’s messiness with my boyfriend, Adam. The first thing you should know about Adam is that he lives under a rock so he’s none-the-wiser about Miley’s foam finger or even that there was an award show on Sunday night. The second thing you should know about him is that he is sweetly candid (notice how I chose notto say “painfully”).

In his truest form, he explained to me what it was like to go back to a college campus this fall where, in the heat of summer and the thrill of going out, girls dress rather scarcely. Especially in light of today’s fashions—crop tops, bandeaus, denim cut-offs—the first day of school surely included the best skin-bearing outfits Urban Outfitters had to offer. Though the following ideas he shared with me were not new by any means (in the church or elsewhere), I sat a little shell-shocked.

1)      When women dress in a way that accentuates their bodies, they become objects.

2)      As someone who has chosen purity, it serves as a distraction for Adam (and surely, other dudes).

3)      Furthermore, it sometimes makes girls lose their humanity. As “objectification”, by definition, means “treating a person as a thing, without regard to their dignity”, I’m pretty sure “loss of humanity” is one-in-the-same.

Adam cares about people. He cares about their very souls. So for him to say that, made me realize that he is certainly not the only man who thinks that. Even of “holy” men.

As romantic as the notion “I only have eyes for you” is, can I really blame him when girls are willingly bearing all just on the way to class?

As someone who is somewhat curvier, it’s no secret that I have other reasons for not wearing crop tops.   But I know how to dress for my figure, flattering it instead of showing it off. In our conversation, Adam nicely complimented the way I dress, saying it is not a source of “stumbling.” However, even I have had Adam or other great guy friends recommend that I don’t lean over in a certain blouse etc.

From this, I can conclude that “objectification” is both brought on and prevented by both parties.

Ladies, it takes awareness on our parts. I think some girls innocently dress scantily out of ignorance for the effect it has on men. On the flip-side, there’s Hanna on Pretty Little Liars, who wants her boyfriend to sleep with her in order to feel desirable because of a body-complex. So ladies, I implore you, if you don’t want men to think of you as an object, don’t dress like one. Either way, men still find you attractive when you dress somewhat modestly. Moreover, they actually see you.

Men, seek men with whom you can talk candidly about struggles. Want to go one step further? Tell your female friends, girlfriends, sisters to pull down the skirt or put on a cardigan. They’ll appreciate that you want to look them in the eyes while talking.

I don’t think any girl is thinking “I should act like Miley Cyrus to get attention from guys” but the objectification is no less when women openly flaunt their bodies. And when I hear songs like “The Dress Looks Nice on You” by Sufjan Stevens, I don’t imagine a side-cut-out mini dress. I imagine something flowery and simple. As a result, he describes the girl as full of life, not full of sex.

...Not Read Every Christian Book, Blog, or Sermon

Perhaps the title alone makes this blog post null and void. So if you stop reading here, I won't really be that offended.

The pressure to read the best authors or bloggers is often a source of condemnation to me.

Around a year ago I got tired of people countlessly saying to me "Have you read [insert inspiring apologetics book]?" Or "Don't you just love [insert radical author]?" So I simply stopped reading anything but scripture. (Seriously.)

Francis Chan, C.S. Lewis, Charles Spurgeon, Bob Goff, Beth Moore, Shauna Niquist - they all have wonderful things to say. But I don't enough time in a day to read all the Christian rhetoric other Christians tell me to read.

Now, beyond just published authors, there are countless (some reputable, some self-proclaimed) bloggers and opinion leaders of the interwebs. A friend will send a link to a sweet blog of a non-profit founder. Relevant Magazine will post their latest article on Millenial-Christian-Culture. Jon Acuff will tweet another blurb about how fear is a lie. Sometimes it's a lot to take in.

Please know, the previous paragraph listed some of my favorite things in the world. Jon Acuff speaks a language that I get. I am a two year subscriber to Relevant Magazine (Cameron Strang, please hire me someday). I am an avid reader and encourage others to be well-read. But sometimes information overload kicks in, inadequacy abounds, and I feel like a failure  because of "Christian self-help".


Even as I write this I'm laughing at myself because I'M PUTTING MY OWN VERSION OF CHRISTIAN RHETORIC ON THE INTERNET FOR PEOPLE TO READ. My point is: my blog will not increase your faith because you listened to my ideas. And maybe best-selling, faith-based literature won't either. 

Confessions: I've never read The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I abandoned Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I straight up wasn't interested in the last John Piper book I picked up. 

Am I less holy to you now? 

I'll let you contemplate that as I leave you with a poem by John Greenleaf Whittier.

"We search the world for truth;
We cull the good, the pure, the beautiful,
From all old flower fields of the soul;
And weary seekers of the best,
We come back laden from our quest,
To find that all the sages said,
Is in the Book our mothers read."

I wrote this in the front of my bible as a reminder that truth can be sought from even the wisest of men but I usually don't need to go even that far to find it...

...Online Date

In follow up to my post a few weeks ago about dating, I have a confession to make: I tried online dating.

In our highly technological culture, I suppose this is not such a great admission. In fact, my sister and brother-in-law met on Match.com. Because of their success (and my new-found confidence in "dating"), I decided to give it a try.

My search was futile (which turned out to be a really good thing so stay tuned for that). However, in my short experience, I saw so much go wrong. Not because the online-dating concept is skewed; but because of the way people chose to portray themselves. Anyone who knows me well knows I am incredibly careful about my word choice because we choose the way present ourselves to people.

Dear friends, should you decide to create an online-dating profile, please do so according to my own 10 Commandments of Online Dating:

1) Thou shalt not include the number 69 in your username

I don't care if you inherited your dad's mint '69 Chevy or if Bryan Adams is your favorite artist - it's suggestive and creepy and you should choose another identifier. (And if you were born in 1969 then you're too old for me and this is irrelevant.)

2) Thou shalt not call out another specific user in your profile 

I'm not kidding: some guy wrote "prettygirl85, please respond to my messages - did you get them?"  He could have been a great guy! And his dream girl could have been out there but obviously, I'm not going to continue to explore his profile because he's already blocked me out.

3) Thou shalt not include a photo of you playing video games in your profile

It's not cool. It's not interesting. It doesn't make me want to spend an evening with you watching you play WOW.

4) Thou shalt not overuse words like "adventure" "laid back" etc...

I do like adventure. I do like relaxed people. However, not everyone can be these things though everyone claims to be them. It's actually statistically impossible (my credentials as a statistician will be available at a later date) so these words become diluted fillers. 

5) Thou shalt not specify "no drama"

To be fair, no one LIKES drama. So boys, I understand this. First, girls that ARE drama, aren't going to identify themselves as such. That being said, all girls are 50 shades of cray (patent pending). You may as well be saying "I don't want a girlfriend". Guys, just know - there ARE women out there that won't cause you extra heartache because we have good heads on our shoulders. But that, by no means, means we're not dramatic. 

6) Thou shalt not talk about your ex 

We haven't even met. But I now know that you and your ex dated for 6 years and she dumped you for your brother and stole your cat. No. Just...no.

7) Thou shalt not spell "boy" as "boi" 

It's not 2003 anymore. Period.

8) Thou shalt not acknowledge seeing people you know on the site 

Living in a small town, it's inevitable that you stumble upon profiles of people you know. Namely, coworkers (yes, my life is that awkward). It is a law that we must not acknowledge the fact that we know the other is desperate enough to seek a mate on the interwebs.

9) Thou shalt not bear false witness against your future paramour 

Ok so this one's kind of an actual commandment too but seriously...why would lying about who you are make someone like you more?

10) Thou shalt not send stock emails
Literally, my friend got a copy and pasted elaborate email. It's not personal, it doesn't show interest, it doesn't show that you read the profile at all. Take 2 minutes out of your busy schedule and ask a question. It's not that hard, people.

Hopefully, this short list will help you navigate the the online dating world with a little more grace. Even if I'm no longer a part of it (sorry, fellas). 

Also, here's a gem from one of my favorite blogs: [IMG] Insert Image.